Natural Hair Laziness

hair follicle

Image via Wikipedia

I will begin with I am not a hair person. I have never been a hair person.  I got my first perm at seven years old. (yes my mom was sick of my screaming every time she tried to press it) I always put it in a pony tail.  My hair is thick and even with a perm it would never be totally tame.

It would look great most of the time when done by a professional. One night sleep and that was over. Also a perm couldn’t tame the thickness. That is why I was so addicted to relaxers I wanted this bone straight hair. No one took the time to tell me the perm wasn’t going to do it. It would never look the way I imagined.

Now I am natural. I finally cut off all the perm. I can see my hair texture and I have to say I love it. I had no idea what was under those chemical. It has this spiral curl that I didn’t know existed on my head. I was totally in the dark of what my true hair looked like. How could I, I been trying to fry it to death in one way or another since I was seven.

This is all to say I am still not a hair person and very lazy. When I first started growing out the perm I was trying all kinds of youtube tutorials.  It was a new toy I wanted to play with. Well that has been over for a while. It has been buns to work and wash and go on the weekends.

I don’t know how much longer I can do these wash and go. It is about to be winter.  I need some hair motivation. I don’t have it right now, but I need to find it somewhere. I wanted to flat-iron it out and see what it looked like. Meaning I wanted to do that in my mind. I haven’t made it to plugging in the flat-iron to even attempt to do it.

In cutting off the perm there was no style just aimless cutting. I have no idea what this hair looks like straight. I am a little scared to find out. For all the hair people send me some of your vibes I need HELP!!!

September 21, 2011. Tags: , , , , , , , . Dating, motivation, Natural Hair, Procrastination. Leave a comment.

I am 36

I’m beyond shocked I am 36 years of age. Time has passed so fast. I can barely believe I been in Georgia almost ten years.

My past is now a bunch of memories good, bad and ugly. I made it this far.

I woke up on the day I was born fill of regrets. I started to think of the things I could have done differently.

I was talking to my mother as I usually do on my birthday; she said something that made me think. “You are blessed not everyone has made it this far.” My mother words changed my whole day. A day that started out with thoughts of regrets changed to thoughts of gratitude. I’m healthy, employed with a life decent life. Not everyone can say that. I have nothing to complain about. It really took my mother’s words to turn regrets into gratitude.

Thanks mom

March 7, 2011. Dating. 3 comments.

Economy Blues

We are all well aware of the state of the economy in the United States.  It is harder to get a job than arrested.  Unemployment is unbelievable in all states especially the one I live in GA.  So to keep you at bay employers are using, be grateful you have a job tactic to keep you inline. This is pretty much the comment I got when asking for a raise. A raise I haven’t seen in two years. Employers are now making you work twice as hard for the same pay. What can you do?

I am grateful to have employment.  I can pay my bills and feel guilty for complaining. The guilt comes every time I watch the news and see all the unemployed. What do you do when you are unhappy at work? Feel guilty has been my latest choice. I am not only unhappy at work I am unhappy with my profession.

I was the first generation to get a college degree in my family.  When I reached college, I thought people were stupid who were trying to find themselves. I picked a major that I felt would allow me never to be unemployed. I have to say I made the right choice. I have only been unemployed four month since graduating. Looking back I should have taken time to find myself. At 18 I had no concept of going to a job that was never my passion until I reached retirement.  It has always been a paycheck for me.  Shortly I was making more money than my parents. I thought that was success. Now I have learned it is not all about money.

I need to work on the courage to change my reality.  That courage doesn’t come easily it is laced with fear. Fear and faith cannot be in the same heart. I need to work on pushing the fear out of my heart.

December 17, 2010. Dating. Leave a comment.

MY BOOK IS OUT (It can be Purchased at www.amazon.com, www.barnesandnoble.com)

Thank You to everyone that supported me!! It means so much!!!

Take a look at my website http://www.hyleathrose.com

April 11, 2010. Dating. 1 comment.

I’ll Take Your Man

There was a rap song with this title by Salt and Pepper.

I have been watching the news and getting sick of the glorification of being a whore.  Now I have to say, I have no problem with women and their sexuality.  What you choose to do behind closed doors is not for me to judge.  I am referring to messing with someone else property. That is right married men.    When someone makes the choice to marry they need to respect that choice and everyone else should respect that choice.  I am not naive to assume, people especially married people do not cheat.  What shock me are all these women who are coming out to the media for sleeping with married men.

Media Scandals

Now I have no idea where Tiger was picking up these groupie hoes, but it is clear that is what they are.  They clearly are looking for fifteen minutes of fame.  Why would you want to be known as one of the women Tiger ran through?  What are these women gaining from outing themselves?  Now I am sure there is no way in hell these women did not know that he was a married man with children.  One woman said she felt he loved her and now she is emotional turn apart.  Well when a man lays down with you then goes home to his wife I think it is obvious you are not his first concern.

Jessie James, Sandra Bullock’s husband is going through the same foolishness.

Cheating is not a brand new concept.  I really feel some couples can get past cheating.  Now that is a hard feat to do in private.  Damn near impossible to do in the public eye. If these women wanted forgive their husbands their choice would make them look foolish.

There is a long history of cheating and Man stealing that went on in the public eye.  Here is a list.

Elizabeth Taylor- took two men from their wives.  Eddie Fisher and Richard Burton

Angelina Jolie- Billy Bob was engaged. Brad Pitt was married.

Alicia Keys- Producer Swiss Beats now ex wife claims the singer had no regard for his marriage.

Bill Clinton- Monica Lewinsky remember when we found out fellatio was not sex.

Marilyn Monrow- Know for sleeping with JFK and his brother Robert Kennedy.

John Edwards- Had an affair with a campaign worker that he also had a child with.

Reverend Jesse Jackson- had an affair with a staffer that worked for him who he fathered a child with.

Denise Richards- Charlie Sheen ex wife who sleep with her good friend Heather Locklear husband Richie Sanbora.

Britney Spears- Dated and married Kevin Federline while his girlfriend/ mother of his children were still together. Actually Shar Jackson was pregnant with his child while all this was going on.

Tori Spelling- She met her now husband Dean McDermott while shooting a T.V. movie.  They were both married to other people.

Cheating is not a new concept.  Boasting about it and putting yourself in the news is pathetic.  Do you really feel good about being a part of destroying someone’s family?  Now I know the men are wrong but I feel these women are equally as wrong.


April 11, 2010. Tags: . Dating. 1 comment.

Don’t Shit Where you eat!!!

My topic today is work romances.  Do not start any shit at the place that puts food on your table.  Is this good or bad advice?  Well all relationships can go either way, there are no guarantees.  The bad part of work place romances only comes into to play when the relationships go bad.  Men have shared stories with me how difficult it is to break up with a woman they worked with.  If things go badly many issues could arise if you work together.

DRAMA

I don’t know about anyone else, but drama at work is something I can’t deal with.  It can harm you in so many ways.  Your professionalism goes right out the window.  You then put yourself on the gossip mill at work.  I have also witnessed firsthand an office romance turn real bad. I will use myself as the example of how things can go way wrong.

I was talking to a co worker and mentioned how I thought a guy in her department was really cute.  That is all she needed to know. She started telling me how he was such a nice guy.  He really needed a good woman in his life.  I had instant reservations. He was several years younger. In his twenties and I being in my thirties I thought that would have been a bit much.  Then we worked together. Not necessarily together but the same company.  I have been seeing him in the halls for about a year. He hadn’t said anything to me during this year of encounters.  My co worker nagged me until I gave in that I would let him know I was interested.

I began talking to the young guy at my office.  It was innocent enough. We mutually decided not to let anyone know in the office we had a interest in each other.  We never actually made it on a date before the drama began. I thank god for that. No emotions are feelings were involved in this situation. Just egg on my face for not going with my first thought of not talking to this young buck.  Well I was talking to another co worker we will call her Jessica. Well Jessica informed me that her and my potential new guy and had something going on.  Now Jessica had no idea of my budding relationship with this guy. So she was just confiding in me not knowing she was opening a big can of worms.  I was hot and about to explode once I digested the information.   I had been played for a fool. Now with it being in the early stages of getting to know each other I was very happy.  If he had other women he was dating I wouldn’t have cared. The problem I had was him making the rounds at work. It is one thing to have egg on your face in private.  It is another to have it all over the office that you have been played.  Now under any other circumstances I would have told him straight off.

Reason I couldn’t act a fool

1)    This is my place of employment. The place that plays my bills.  A roof over my head and food in the fridge is not something I would want to mess with.

2)    Pure embarrassment.  I didn’t want anyone to know I was played by this guy.  Even Jessica was unaware we have been talking to the same guy.  I wasn’t about to inform her of this fact

3)    He wasn’t worth it

After Jessica informative conversation I did confront him.  He did the usual guy thing and avoided the situation. He never really answered the question.  I very loudly told him I want no parts of his Jerry Springer drama.  I was pissed from him putting me this situation.  I got no answers for this behavior nor did I expect any.  He then proceeded to ignore me.  Look me right in my face and walk by.  Even thought I was pissed I had no problem with the silent treatment and mastered it over the next year.  A year later he tried to apologize. I pretty much laughed in his face.  No way in hell was I accepting that apology.  Now for some work romances can bloom into something great. After this incident I will never shit where I eat.

March 12, 2010. Tags: , , . Dating. 5 comments.

He is just not that into you!!!!

There is a book with this title that they turned into a movie.  That was time I will never get back.  It was a chick flick and had its moments but not something I would advise anyone to see.  It did have a few good points. So that is the topic of this blog.

Sex

Having sex can be a big plus or negative. Men and women feel very different concerning this issue.  It’s a plus when both parties are on the same page, it’s a naturally progression.  When either party is not feeling the same it could put a big monkey wrench in the program.  Men and their egos could be bruised and leave them feelings that the sex wasn’t up to par. For women who tend to take things more emotionally it can be a blow to their self esteem.  Especially if she felt the vibe to venture down that road to get the later conversation she’s moving too fast.  Which makes her rethink and wish she could take back the whole act?  Not to say she didn’t want to do it.  It just later leads to regret.  The regret is greater when the sex happens quickly.  Making her feel she made the Rookies mistake of having sex too quick. Especially knowing nine times out of ten men will not turn it down if offered. Even if he has absolutely no feelings for her whatsoever.  Or knows he doesn’t share her feelings at all.  This is the part that disgusts me is women have to hold onto their sexuality for fear of being label a tramp.  A man can lay with women, like he is a dog in heat and they are considered him a player.

Women have to guard their feelings like they are a deer about to be eaten by a lion. Men on the other hands take their conquests and leave the woman in emotional pain with no regards to their feelings. I have to say I have been the victim of this.  Being told everything I wanted to hear until what they wanted they got. Then all of sudden the B.S. I was fed to accomplish his goal all of a sudden is not how he truly felt. A lot of these men have mothers, aunts, sisters, and daughters that they would be very upset if they were treated in this manner.  They do not hold themselves up to the same standards as the men that could enter into the people they care about lives.  I had a man try to cover the deceit of being sexually satisfied with he isn’t ready for a relationship. Which was very interesting because with our countless conversation it sounded to me that’s all he wanted was a relationship.  Now if he didn’t want a relationship with me that would have been fine.  It was interesting to find out this news after the sexual activity and me withholding sex after I felt him back tracking. The three month rule has been out there for a long time. Steve Harvey even mentions it in his book. I have to say I haven’t stay true to the rule. Sometimes you have to have egg on your face to realize its value. I am not saying that every relationship wear sex comes in quick will go downhill. In fact I know that not to be the case in some circumstances. But if you are the woman who really cares about someone and has sex with them thinking you are on the same page you might think about that rule and what you would do if he flips the script on you.

It is funny I was talking to a guy who had a different level of standards for his son then his daughter.  Teaching boys it is ok to have sex and girls it is an issue. I wanted to say “who did he think his son was having sex with.”  Now if we taught girls that it wasn’t an issue would we be having women singing songs about busting windows out of cars?  These boys are having sex with someone’s daughter. His daughter can also be in the lion’s den for the boys or men that would do the same thing to her. Probably the same den he has taken many women to himself.  Girls these days are having sex more quickly and more often.  Stories of sex parties and STD’s being are spread in rapid proportion with this new generation is incredible.  It is a product of telling these boys that conquests are ok.  A girl also thinking that having sex is no big deal is not helping either.  I cannot say if this man daughter will have sex early or not.  I do not know what her future entails. It shows something of his character that to me it didn’t seem that he taught his son or himself to treat women the way he would have wanted his daughter treated. I will say I have no idea what he taught his son but with his actions it didn’t reflect in his own conduct so all I can do is assume.

Kicking Disclaimers

I feel these lines are the get out of jail free card. When two people are at different stages in a relationship.  It’s a clear sign when certain subjects come up.

  • We are Moving too Fast
  • Any References to being Friends
  • We should continue to date other people
  • Conversation about meeting their dream person, and you can tell they are not talking about you
  • I am not ready for a relationship
  • I don’t have time for a relationship

When any of these things happen, be concerned if it’s someone you are really into.  All these things are disclaimers for a reason to leave the relationship when they are ready.  They might not want to leave the relationship but wants to slow you down which could be for several reason. Such as they really weren’t that into you and wanted to keep you around.  Or you are  someone they wanted to keep around because they like you enough and want a way back in if they change their minds.  That is why when this happens to me my next line is “if you happen to change your mind do not call me back.” I am sick of people coming back after they hurt your feelings in whatever way and want a second chance.  It has happened to me several times and they all get the answer “hell no”.  When someone wants to toss you aside and get rid of you with as less drama as possible these are the lines frequently used. Instead of being honest to the true reason which could tarnish their character. A lot of people do not want to be known as a bad person even if they do bad things.

Labels

Girlfriend and boyfriend are labels to reaching a certain point in a relationship. Some never define the relationship after a while it’s clear you hit that stage.  Other times it’s not said, but one person feels this stage has been reached even though the other person does not. Not being on the same page can really lead to hurt feelings. I’ve seen when one person believes they are in a relationship and the other persons dating other people. If every confronted it’s easy to say we never made this exclusive. Some people use the label to get what they want.  I feel these labels need to be discussed not assumed. If you are not clear what that means to each party you can be hurt later.  Believe me been there!!!

Effort and Time

When someone is not making time for you that is a clear indication your relationship is on the rocks. Especially if spending time with you was not a problem before.  Usually they don’t call like they use to. They are busy every weekend which use to be time designated for you.  This might be the time to reexamine your relationship. I was told by many men they make time for what they want.  They also could be taking you for granted and thinking you would never leave so spending time isn’t a priority.  All this goes into what you choose to deal with. They also could be spending your time with someone else. Every situation is different but if you use to have a mate and now you have someone that drops in and out it sounds like problems are ahead.

Conclusion

I have to say that my biggest complaint here is treating someone the way you want to be treated.  I know that doesn’t happen a lot and it is a nice thought.  Taking someone’s feelings in to account should not be so difficult. Especially if you put yourself in the good person category. I guess as I said in a prior blog good is a relative term. For anyone who gets jilted I would advise don’t ask for an explanation especially when it is done under shady circumstances. You do not need to be in the business of convincing anyone one to want you.  It just show you who that person really is.  Thank god for the knowledge and move on to someone who will treat you how you are worthy to be treated. Do not give that person any power over your self-worth.  For all those shady characters what goes around comes around tenfold.

December 20, 2009. Tags: , , , . Cheating, Dating, People Relations. 2 comments.

Interracial Relationships

A friend requested my next blog be on this topic, so I felt honored that he wanted to hear my opinion.  The funny thing is over the years my opinion has changed dramatically.

Prior Thought Process

I used to be very militant and against the whole mixing of races concept.  I guess growing up in Massachusetts (in my opinion a very racist place) defined my militant persona over the years.  It was covert racism but very much present.  Here’s where it all began.  I was bussed to a white suburban neighborhood for school by the METCO program (Metropolitan Council for Educational Opportunity).   In the sixth grade I first began to experience the idea that I was not an equal when a white student told me that all black people lived in the projects.  I argued that I was black and I lived in a house and not the projects.  I was allowed to go to my white peer’s homes to hang out; however they were never allowed to come to mine for fear of the dangers of urban living.  In college during a lecture on slander, as an example my professor called me a nigger bitch which she felt wasn’t offensive.

With all these experiences under my belt I had to come up with a method of combating the racist world, so I took pride in battling them with intelligence and research.  I soon found out that you can’t fight ignorance with ignorance.  Through my research I developed a sense of pride in being a Black American and what we have done for this country.  I have never allowed the harsh reality of the racist world we live in to hold me back in any way.

It’s almost funny now that I live in Atlanta when I meet other minorities that have visited the Boston area.  A few people have mentioned the racism they experienced during their brief visits to the Boston area.

My thoughts opposing the mixing of races started very young.  To fully comprehend my rationale, I will have to begin by explaining my cultural background.  I’ve always hated when black people recited a laundry list of all their nationalities.  I believed it was a way of distinguishing themselves from being what the world saw them as, just black.  For the purposes of this blog my nationality is important.  My mother’s family is from Petersburg Virginia.  As far as I know we are descendants of slaves.  Obviously as with most black people there are probably other cultures that could be mixed in, but I have no direct knowledge of that on my mother’s side of the family.  My father’s side of the family is another story.  My grandfather was half white and half black.  My great grandfather was a black man who married a white French Canadian woman and had a lot of children.  I’m not quite sure how many.  My grandmother is from a chain of islands off the coast of Africa called the Cape Verde Islands.  Massachusetts has a big population of Cape Verde island immigrants, so I decided to research culture since it is my heritage as well.  These African islands were taken over by the Portuguese and approximately 71% of the population is considered Creole, meaning a mixture of black African and Portuguese descendants.  People have always tossed around the word Creole, so I wanted to figure out what exactly the word Creole means.  I discovered that Creole is defined as a person of mixed Black and European ancestry who speaks a creolized language.  My grandmother clearly fit this definition because she spoke creolized Portuguese and was a translator for the court system in Boston.  Her position was very important because of the increased population of these immigrants.

Around the age of ten, my race defining moment occurred while visiting an older cousin on my father’s side of the family.  I’m not sure how we got on the subject, but she made a negative comment regarding the huge number of people in the family that married white people.  Although her husband was black, she felt the family believed marrying white was better.  I also noticed that there were several of my many family members that never claimed to be black.  They always referred to themselves as Portuguese.  Usually we stereotype black men when it comes to marrying outside of their race, but on this side of my family I had just as many female cousins in relationships with white men.  I’m sure my older cousin didn’t realize what she was saying to me would impact my life in such a great way, nor did she understand how much her negative comments of the family belief system would stick in my brain for years to come.  My loyalty to my mom was great and having the family look down on her because she was black made me believe that if we stuck to our own race this would not occur.  I’m not saying my father’s entire family adheres to this belief system.  I haven’t asked each member their opinions of the subject.  This was just a defining moment in my life.

Evolution

When I finally reached college I still held onto my races should not mix beliefs.  When I got back to school to start my sophomore year, I learned that a friend of mine had dated a white guy over the summer.  I blasted her for doing such a thing because I was so strong in my convictions.  After I finished blasting her she looked wounded by my tongue lashing and I could tell she wished she had never mentioned it.

Life went on and I started a business management class.  I was sitting there minding my own business and this guy walked in.  To say he had traffic stopping good looks, doesn’t come close to doing him justice.  He introduced himself as John and I was so attracted to him I could feel my heart thumping.  Now this was an unusual feeling for me because John was a blond haired; blue eyed; white guy.  I really didn’t know what to do with these feelings, so I kept them at bay despite his obvious flirtations throughout the entire semester.  I shrugged it off as him just being nice.  I told my friend about my feelings and she was in disbelief since I gave her a verbal beat down earlier that year.  John was a real cool guy and I started to rethink my position although I didn’t just have my thoughts to contend with.  Remember, I was still in Massachusetts at the University of Massachusetts at Amherst.  There were a lot of other racial issues on campus that I didn’t even want to get into dating outside of my race.  A year later a black girl on the track team started to date a White guy.  I mulled it over and thought that if she can do it, then so can I.  It took me several days, but I called John and admitted to having a crush on him.  He admitted the same, but he was now dating someone else.  We both got a good laugh out of the fact that neither one of us had enough nerve to confess our crush the year before.

During that year before my confession to John, I had to rethink why I was so opposed to interracial relationships.  I came to the conclusion that if interracial relationships did not exist I would not exist considering the racial makeup of my family.  Now I was open to date a man of any race, yet another defining moment in my life.

Reality of Choice

Even though I am very open to dating outside of my race now, I do have hang-ups that don’t make it an entirely easy process.  When I was in high school I did some volunteer work with a fellow classmate.  Since I went to school in the suburbs (remember I was bussed) this friends’ father offered to drive me home even though my neighborhood was considered “not so safe” by suburban folks standards.  He was a black man married to a white woman.  He was very militant in his beliefs which shocked me considering his choice to have a white wife.  His son and I were in the backseat on the way to my house and since I was young and had no tact, we got on the subject of his marriage to this white woman.  This was a very sensitive subject since his son was in the car and this was his mother we were discussing.  He admitted that if he died he would want his children to go live with his family because he didn’t feel his wife could raise black children.  His son was floored because he never heard something like that come out of his father’s mouth.  His statement piqued my interest so I had to ask him, then why did you marry a white woman in the first place?  He said you can’t control who you love.  I found his confession very interesting and I didn’t press the issue further.  It was obvious father and son were going to have a major discussion once I was dropped off.

Now that’s a good subject to discuss.  Can a white person successfully raise a black child?  For years this issue has been fought in many court battles all over the country. Considering the disproportionate numbers of unwanted minority children I feel it’s better to be raised in a home surrounded by love than for those children to be raised in the system based on the principle that black people should be the only ones to parent black children.  My belief is yes white people can successfully raise minority children.  They just have to be aware of the realities of the world and teach the realities of the world to their children.  Racism is very much alive and well in the United States.  Yes we have made a lot of progress but racism is real.

A few years ago a black teenage boy that was adopted as a baby and raised by a white family was jailed for sleeping with a teenaged white girl.  Even though there was only a few years age difference they through the book at him under some antiquated statutory rape law.  Even the white girl’s family thought the consequences were too severe, but that fact was never acknowledged.  It was obvious that if that teenage girl had been black it would have not hit the front page of the news and he probably wouldn’t have even been arrested.  Having sex with a white girl caused a major life changing experience in that young man’s life.  His parents fought the good fight and stressed the racial injustice behind their son’s incarceration and he was eventually set free.  What stayed with me about this situation was what his parents said to him during a press conference upon his release.  They apologized to their son for not teaching him the harsh realities of being black in America.  I believe they loved this boy as if he was born from their own flesh, but not teaching him the realities of the world is what they apologized for.

Both the father and son exchange I had in high school and this wrongfully accused young man have caused me to think long and hard about interracial dating.  Marrying outside my race and having children does present issues that would have to be dealt with.  A while ago, I went out on a date with a white man I met in my travels.  The date started out great.  I asked him specific questions to see if I would be comfortable venturing beyond friendship.  I said that if I had children with a man outside my race I would have to teach my child the realities of life.  I then went on to explain in depth what my realities were, specifically even if a person is half white society will always consider them black.  He disagreed and politely told me racism doesn’t exist and that black people were too dramatic with their thoughts on racism.  When the words came out of his mouth I was in shock.  I told him that it doesn’t exist to him because it doesn’t affect him. I’m not in the business of changing anyone’s mind, so after our debate that evening I knew we would just remain friends.  He could live in his bubble if he wanted to but I couldn’t share the space with him.  Not to say that he wasn’t a great guy.  I have met black people that share his same beliefs.  I totally disagree and feel racism is alive but his opinion is just like mine, an opinion.  We had a non argumentative debate and we left it that. I’ve learned over the years that I’m not a lawyer trying to argue my case and change anyone’s mind.  We respected the difference in our views and let it be.  I knew with the depth and weight of my perspective on life, he was not someone I could seriously date.  He lacked understanding of my point of view regarding the challenges interracial children may face.  I don’t suggest everyone should share my belief system; however, for me to venture outside of my race there has to be a shared understanding of being black in America today.  Yes as a country we have jumped over many hurdles since slavery.  I personally never thought I would live to see a black president, but in all fairness, our president is not just black he is half white.  I have yet to hear an interview that defines him as a white man.  They focus on his African lineage.  He is interracial but in this country he is a black man regardless of the fact that his mother is white.  Maybe one day we will look beyond definitions of skin color and just call ourselves people.  Who knows what the future holds.

If you have a suggested topic please feel free to leave it in the comments section of this blog.  I love to hear your opinions of my blog good or bad.  This is a forum to exchange opinions.  Anyone whom shares my same opinion or is strongly opposed, I would love to hear from you.  Leave them in the comments and I will post them.

November 7, 2009. Tags: , , , , . Dating, Friends, People Relations. 4 comments.

The Dating Wars

I was told dating is a war and you have to try and avoid the bombs.  I feel like I have been dating my entire life.  There are different forms of dating.  The process can be excruciating and painful depending on what you are looking to get out of it.

The book Men Are From Mars Women Are From Venus…I have to say, that man could not be more correct.  We are definitely different creatures with different thoughts and feelings on a lot of things.  Women are emotional thinkers and men are logical is another line that has been thrown at me.  Now this does not hold true for all men and women.  I have met men who will take on what is traditionally a woman’s role in a relationship and a woman who takes on the man’s role.  For arguments sake I am just going to stay on the traditional men and women.

The Double Standard

Men can sleep with as many women as they want and he is “the man” or “a stud”. A woman, on the other hand who does the exact thing, would be labeled a whore or a slut. Then men wonder why, when women are asked how many men they have slept with, the answer is usually a lie.  Woman does not want to be judge by her past. Nor does she want to jeopardize any future relationship by telling the truth.  The funny thing is men will ask this question and usually don’t want to know the answer. Just like that famous line from the movie A Few Good MenYou can’t handle the truth.  It’s funny; an ex-boyfriend of mine said to me, he didn’t want the truth. He wanted to live in ignorance and feel like he was the only man I had slept with. I found that to be an interesting concept. I just let it be, if that helped him sleep at night, then so be it.  Most women have a sexual past.  In fact, some have a very extensive sexual past.  I also hate this particular question “Was I the best you’ve ever had”?  Men, do you really want to know the answer to that question!  This is one of those times where the answer could make or break a relationship.  And it all really depends on how good he was.  If he rocked your world, then your answer would stroke his ego, but if he didn’t…your answer would crush him to smithereens.  And of course he’s probably going to say “that’s not what I wanted to hear”.

Now it is true, a lot of men can separate sex and love.  Sleep with a bunch of women and not think twice about it. But they have that main one who they would cross heaven and earth for. Now there are women out there that can do the same thing, and of course, men don’t like them because they can detach themselves from the emotional side of sex just like a man.  Then there is the other class of women, the ones that give their whole being to the man in a sexual way and then afterwards feel there should be a relationship that follows.  In dating this is a big issue.  How early do have sex?  Is it 3 days, 3 weeks or 3 months?  Now I know many people who have different perspectives on this particular subject. I’ve met women who are adamant about the three month rule and some who don’t care and the first date is all that it takes.  Neither will guarantee a relationship.  I have a friend that married a man she slept with after knowing him for three hours. Lucky devil.  When you sleep with a man quickly, there’s a 50/50 chance that you will be put into the whore category.  Even though he sleeps with you just as quickly.  Double standard.  If you don’t mind that risk then go for it.  If the thought of this puts you into emotional turmoil then I would suggest that you wait. In no way do I feel that all men are out for only sex.  Some actually would like to be in a relationship.  You just  don’t know his intentions yet, especially if you just meet him. 

The Womanizer or Manizer

These are people who are dating a lot of people at one time.  I’ll refer to them as serial daters.  Now if that is your thing no problem. Honesty is the best policy if you are living your life in this manner. If you are upfront with the person(s) that you are seeing it will reduce the amount of drama in your life.

If a man is dating a woman who has several men she is dating. You can always use the don’t ask, don’t tell scenario.  If no questions are asked no answers are needed.  If you are dating someone and it isn’t serious then you really don’t owe anyone an explanation of how you choose to live your life.  If the subject comes up, then you can always state we are just getting to know each other and I feel that it isn’t proper conversation at the moment. Now if sex has entered into the situation, any man that is truly interested in you is going to want to know. He most likely is going to confirm that he’s the only one that you are sleeping with. Now, I know a couple who got married and they were both sleeping around and knew it.  They became serious and got rid of the other people involved in the triangle.  I feel there’s no right or wrong way to handle a relationship. There are general standards, but you will always find the exception to the rule.

Women tend to believe, that when sex seals the deal that they are the only one. That’s usually less likely to be true.  It spares a lot of hurt feelings to not assume anything.  Unless this man comes to you and says I want it to just be us, or if you have some sort of conversation that you are in a relationship, never assume you are the only one in the equation. 

The Person Trying to Buy You

There are men and woman who try and buy the person they are interested in.  I have seen it on both sides. They’ll buying clothes, vehicles, and even paying bills. All to keep the person they are interested in.  This is futile.  The people you are spending your hard on money on usually have no interest in you beyond what they can get out of you.  If someone spends more time spending your money than they want to spend with you, there’s a problem.  There are several T.V. shows that show this very clearly. Such as Snapped on the Oxygen channel. Now I know men reading this is like oh lawd she is talking about a women’s show. But wait, hear me out, it will enlighten you also.  This show is very informative, so men you should check it out. The premise is usually the same; it’s about some off balance woman that was in the relationship for the money.  Then wham, bam she offs her husband to collect some big payout. Word of wisdom…You never know what anyone is capable of, never underestimate anyone. Especially when they were not in it for you in the first place.

Jealousy

I know everyone has been in this type of relationship, men and woman alike.  If someone has to question your every move, always has some paranoid notion that you are cheating on them, always want to know who you are talking to.  Sound familiar?  If this is a constant in your relationship, there are some trust and insecurity issues.  My feeling towards this is if you don’t trust someone, just move on. Why do you have to be inspector Gadget and investigate everything?  Believe it or not, there are many people who stay in relationships just like this, for reasons I don’t believe they even know.  The truth is, these issues never seem to go away, and they just linger on and on and on.  But on the other hand, if you the right to be Inspector Gadget. The person is displaying behavior that you know they are cheating.  Then drop them and move on.  Or let’s say the person isn’t cheating.  Then drop them. Even if they are not cheating you still do not trust the person. You will always be on guard that they are not being honest with you. Why put yourself through this in either circumstance.

The Bad Relationship

There is usually nothing redeeming about this relationship but you still won’t leave it. Now this is for men and women.  There are countless situations when someone really needs to walk away from a relationship.  There are also countless reasons why people stay in a bad relationship.  Such as:

A)   Can’t be alone. This is the worst one I believe. You would rather be miserable or abused than to be alone. I feel anyone in this situation really needs counseling.  You need to work on your self esteem. We all have friends that fit into this category. They only leave someone when they have someone else to replace them.  Usually the replacement is just as bad as or worse than the prior person. 

B)   You have children. There are a lot of people who will stay in relationships because they have children.  I understand this concept but don’t agree with it.  Being unhappy for the sake of the children is not the best idea.  Kids are not stupid. They can tell you are not happy and most times, if they are old enough, they can figure out the problem on their own. Or if the house if full of arguments and drama that is even worse. You really need to re-evaluate why you are there and if the situation is really beneficial to you and your children.

 

C)   We’ve been together too long.  I have met a lot of women who will not leave because they have invested too much time.  I think that is crazy.  Time doesn’t guarantee you anything.  It doesn’t mean eventually he will marry you, because he won’t. Or that the relationship will get any better.  I have a friend who dated a man for a three years and the relationship wasn’t going well. She really thought she would be “the wife” and tried to hang on to see if things would change, it didn’t and the relationship ended badly.  Six months or so after they broke up he was engaged to someone else.  If you are unhappy in the relationship and no matter what you do to try and make it work it doesn’t work, then it’s time to leave.  Time doesn’t mean it will get better or that you will get what you want.

 

Now these are just a few examples, there are many more but I see you get the point. In my opinion, there’s no reason to stay in a bad relationship. Stop wasting yours and the other person’s time. 

Ready to be Married

Men would think I am just talking about women, I’m not. Over the years I have met a lot of men who just want to be married just like a woman.  When your desire to be married is greater than your desire to find the right person for you, that’s a problem.  It works both ways. I had an acquaintance, occasionally we would run into each other at various parties.  Well this one time I ran into him he was complaining about he was sick of being single and dating.  He was ready to be married and have children. I understood where he was coming from.  Six months later I am talking to a mutual friend and he told me that guy married a woman he knew for two months. Now I don’t know how that marriage turned out. I hope and pray it is a happy union.  The part that concerns me was his desire to be married. Was it greater than really finding the right woman for him? I also know several women who are miserable because they wanted to be married and they got what they wanted. The only problem is the marriage isn’t a happy one. 

Marriage is work. I feel when you are ready to marry someone you need to look at the person and say will I love them for their flaws too.  Not when we get married if this or that change we will be happy. There is no guarantee that anything will change about that person. You have to realize the only thing you can change is yourself. So do not go into anything trying to change someone else.

Dating can be difficult.  You are dealing with other people’s emotions, short comings and downfalls.  Everyone knows this is a struggle on all fronts.  Sometimes it is good and sometimes it isn’t.  Some people have great relationships some don’t.  The point is you need to do what is right for you.  My mom told me live your life for yourself because when it is time to go the grave you are going by yourself. We have one life and it’s not a dress rehearsal.  There is no reason to spend your life unhappy.  When you are dating you are getting to know the person, you are checking them out, as well as they are checking you out.  If for any reason you see something just isn’t right, walk away, there will be others. You need to figure out what the red flags are for you.  The biggest problem is people ignore red flags either thinking they are no big deal or they will change.  This is no reason to continue.  WALK AWAY!!!

September 20, 2009. Tags: , , , , . Dating, Friends, People Relations. Leave a comment.

The Daily Informant

Bringing you the latest news, before it happens!

black is white

for film lovers only

ReinventionAve

A new me, a new you! Who knew?

Mommy to the Rescue!

Rescuing my sanity one day at a time.

In Hyleath's Words

Pure Randomness